Three Simple Words

I'm scared. For the first time in all my life I want to lay on my bed and cry. Yeah cry. For the first time I want to hug someone and just lose it. The truth is, I don't feel loved. I know what you're thinking, you got Mark and your new best friend Talan and us. But the truth is, even in a group full of people, I feel more alone than ever. What's happening to me, I cannot tell. I don't like when the gang fights between themselves. This whole Pony and Johnny thing, well, its tearing me apart inside. The other day, as you may know, I took Pony over to Johnny's and Brooke's apartment so he could sort this whole thing out. He said Johnny wasn't home, but I didn't believe him. It was written in his eyes. He was hurt, and so was I, but I didn't know, not at that moment. I asked him if he knew I loved him, but he just moved his head up and down. I wanted him to say it back. It's been a while since someone said that to me. And the truth is, I really do need the words. My brothers, well, they assume I know, and yeah, I do know they love me, but to hear it, that just brightens my day. You all want to know why I used to get drunk all the time? It's not entirely true that it helps me forget I'm a greaser. I'm ok with that, I don't really mind. The truth is, when I get drunk, I don't feel. So it doesn't matter if no one has said 'I love you' in a while. I just forget. But now that I had stopped drinking, well, I feel, 'cause KitKat Curtis does have feelings, in case many of you didn't know.

I know I'm probably boring you with this whole thing. But it was something I really needed to get off my chest. I need a hug right now, so desperately. And a shoulder that would understand. I feel like I'm there for everyone, but no one is there for me. It's not that I do things expecting the same in return but a little sign of caring is nice every once in a while. Johnny, I'm not mad at you. Like I'm not mad at Pony. I understand you, somehow. Don't be mad at him guys. Please, do it for me. I had a pretty shitty week as it is. I can't stand seeing the whole gang falling apart. We are family and family sticks together and family loves each other. There's a tear rolling down my eyes. All I want is to know someone out there loves me. It does sound pretty dramatic when you listen to it again. And maybe it's not the time to say it, taking into consideration what's been happening around me. But I have had it inside me for so long and before I do something stupid, because I don't want Blair killing me again, and as Carson said, I'm not letting things bottled up.

Pony, I don't mind that you're not sleeping at our house. You need to your time, I understand. Just know, I love you no matter what, even though you sometimes don't. Soda, I'm sorry I was a jerk with you the other day. I let my anger take over me and yelled at you. Sorry. I apologize for blaming you for all the shitty stuff that would come out of this pregnancy. You don't deserve it. You are a great brother. Tell Katie I look forward to spend more time with her and making her one of my best friends. I'm here for you whenever you need me. Darry, eventhough we don't agree on much you have showed me true strengh. Keeping things together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart. I love you and wish the best for you in Colleage. I've gotten a part-time job, so I can help you with the bills. You have hold me up for so many years, it's my time to pay you back. Sigh. I guess I'm really messed up aren't I?