The Hammer Song & The Tower Of Pain

Obliviousness, it is something that we yearn for. Not being able to feel anything. It is a blessing, really, to be able to go through life without a care. But some of us aren't that lucky. Ignorance is not bliss. It never was. Maybe when it is overshadowed by innocence, but not now. Not at eighteen. Because when you try so hard not to feel anything you realize you've hurt some people without even knowing. I used to think that when you ran away from your problems eventually they all came back and the speed at which they reached you is too powerful to control. There has been a lot of thinking, a lot of analyzing, a lot of feeling. I began to enter this emotional corner inside myself so I could figure out just what the hell I was doing. And then it all dawned on me. It isn't their fault. It has never been anyone's fault and blaming them will never make it true. It wasn't Jelly's fault, she was trying to help. And maybe I would've understood it if I hadn't been so determined to push everyone away. It is when you truly feel alone, like no one is looking at you. And you're so scared you can't speak. And it's weird and you hate it. I collected the small pains I wanted to throw away but couldn't, so I put them all away and into big boxes. I was flying so high that I didn't let anyone's consolation reach me. I forgot how to feel pity, how to act upon it. The kiss was a mistake. Plain and simple. The repercussions it brought came at a higher price than the kiss itself. Did I do it merely to piss off Jelly? No. Actually, I do not know why I did it. And that smile in my face wasn't satisfaction. It was a mask that fitted my face so well it became it. So I had to get rid of everything nasty and dangerous. Everything that was wrong, wrong, wrong. And I had to apologize, because it stopped being just about messing with Jelly. If I was willing to go to such lengths without feeling any kind of remorse then I had a bigger problem. Still, I can't apologize to Jelly because I haven't apologized to myself. And that takes time. It's what I've been doing all month. Going to sessions, talking, crying, letting it all out so I can understand. So I can accept. No more running, no more hurting, no more believing a lie that it's not. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think it would help, and it seemed to be time to learn to accept help. And I'm sorry.
Well, at least some of us had a happy Valentines' Day.

Goddamn Polite And Composed

Things have been tough lately. Jelly and I are no in speaking terms. We can't even look at each other without wanting to poke our eyes out. So I had to find a new place to live. At least for the time being.
I knocked on the house. It was Pony who answered. "Kitty, you came to visit!" He said, disturbingly excited. "Yeah, well, I plan on crashing for a while." His expression changed. And I hoped I wouldn't be right as to what he was about to say. "Sorry Kit," He gave me sad smile. "But Darry said you aren't welcome, at least for now." Hmm. As though my year couldn't get worst. I nodded in understanding. It wasn't his fault, and if I saw Darry, I would give him the silent treatment too. "Sorry." He said again, with an apologetic smile. I nodded. I sighed as he close the door. Someone had to take me in. I walked slowly to the next door. I let myself in. "Hey, anyone home?" I called. Katie came in, holding Skye. She was surprised to see me. "Hey." She said. Assuming Soda was at work, I asked. "Hey, I was wondering, do you mind if I crash for a while?" Katie nodded. "That bad?" "Yeap." "Well, at least you can help me with Skye." She said. "I have to go to work, but see you later?" I nodded as she handed me little Skye. She was beautiful. She had Katie's smile, but Soda's recklessly laughing brown eyes. Cutie.
I spent most of the day feeding, changing, hugging, and playing with Skye. In many ways, I envied her. As she lay asleep in my arms, I guess I would've never have thought I could take care of a creature like that. I stood watching her for hours. Until I placed her in her crib, so she would be more comfortable.

As I walked to the guest room, I noticed Soda and Katie's room was opened. I don't know what I was thinking, but I found myself going through Soda's old stuff. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I knew I hadn't found it yet. I kept searching, until I came across one of his drawers. It was hidden in the deepest part of the drawer, almost invisible. But it caught my eye. I took it out. It was addressed to Soda, from Jelly so I started reading it.
I smiled as I folded it. I had it.
The next day I woke up late, 'cause it was my no doing shit day. I took it to my advantage. I went to the apartment. No one was home, as expected. I walked into Jelly's room. There was some of Dim's stuff laying on the ground. Perfect. I tore the letter in half and threw it in the trashcan, making sure the envelope that said "Soda", was visible. I was surprised at how devilish this whole plan was. It was doom to be what I was looking for. What I was yearning for. The ultimate act of revenge. I wasn't going to forgive her.

I went back to Soda and Katie's to sleep some more. I woke up then to the sound of moving around. I opened my eyes and found Two-Bit setting up a table cloth in the floor at the foot of the bed. "Hey beautiful." He said when he saw me. "Happy Valentine's Day." Oh, shit. That was today? "I got you a gift." He was so excited, I felt terrible for forgetting. He took out a long silver box. "This is also a Happy Two Year Anniversary!" I opened the box and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Black Tulips are my favorites, because they are extremely rare and mysterious. "Oh my, where did you find this?" I asked. He winked. "I have my secrets. Plus, Dimitri helped." I smiled as I walked up to him and hugged him. Never mind the table cloth, we cuddled on the bed. We told jokes and scary stories and talked. But I couldn't shake this feeling of extreme guilt for forgetting.
"Two-Bit, I have a confession." He looked confused. "I forgot it was Valentine's Day, just like I forgot that in two days it's our Two Years Dating Anniversary. I'm so sorry." Sorry for being busy plotting against one of my best friends to remember our special days. Mental bitch slap.
"That's okay," He said softly. He started kissing my stomach. "But I do believe you can make it up to me." He winked and started kissing me and I started kissing back. "We're in my older brother's house." I said unbuttoning his pants. "So?" He said taking off my shirt. "He's probably in the next room doing the same." ;)
Well, at least some of us had a happy Valentines' Day.

Then Tell Me,

Two-Bit's little gift was more than just this lovable fury creature. It was another way to say I love you. Recently, though, I felt like we don't spend enough time together and I really miss him. We don't really do Monthianiversaries like the Ryder's do, and waiting for the 21st again is out of question. So I decided it was time to have a January 27th date!
So we both started working at Dim's restaurant. It's great, but we have such a jackass boss... Just kidding, Dimwit. Or, aren't I? The highlight of my day, though, is having to see Jelly every day. We're not really on speaking terms. Not since things got violent and there was blood. She doesn't understand. No one understands. It's not about insecurities or fucking lack of self-esteem. It goes beyond that. Sure, it's a self-destructive tendency, but that's not why I do it.
I've been such a bitch to her but I really don't want to forgive her. I mean, you can't just come into someone's room and plan this whole charade about how she wants me to get better and give me an ultimatum after I just got another one from Mr. Darrel Curtis and expect everything to be shiny rainbows and ponies. I don't get mad... I get even.

"Hello, darling." I said as I wrapped my arms around Two-Bit's neck. "Guess what day is today?" He kissed me softly. "Uh, Friday?" I chuckled as I kissed him back. "Nope, it's date day! Happy '712th Days Since We've Been Together' Day!" He laughed and picked me up, kissing me. "I love you." He said. "I know, but you'll love me even more after the day I got planned." We walked out of the restaurant, his arm around my shoulders, when I saw Jelly and Dim standing over the door. At first I thought about ignoring her, but then I had a better idea. As we walked by, I leaned closer to her and whispered. "So, how's the wedding." And just to add up to it, as I walked by Dim, I traced my fingers through his chest and gave him that sort of flirty eye wink. Then we headed out.
I drove. Since Two-Bit had no idea where we were going. For the most, we heard all this sort of CDs. That was until we heard a low whimper coming from the back seat. "Oh, look, she's up!" I said. Two-Bit turned around and laying the back seat was the furry puppy. He leaned towards it and picked it up, noticing some bags I had placed there. "I'm guessing this Friday is gonna extend into a weekend?" He said. I smiled. "Oh, by the way, I picked a name for our puppy." I said. "What about Lexi?" "Lexi it is."
After six or seven hours, we got down to a beach in the Golf of Mexico. I had arranged for a cabin, which I payed for with a two weeks salary in advance. :D. We settled. It was already dark outside so we laid on the sand. Lexi was asleep in her bed and we gazed into the stars. There's just something about stars. The way they shine above you like a million little miracles. We could find all sorts of different shapes for them. God, there where so many. We felt asleep. We woke up to the sound of cries and whimpers. I got up to pick up Lexi but didn't find her in her bed. You know that moment when your mom starts to panic because she can't find you and fears the worst? Yep, that's what I felt. "Two-Bit!" I yelled. "Lexi's not here." He walked over to me. "What?" "Lexi. She's not in her bed." Then I looked over and the door had been opened and then there was the ocean and so many places she could've gotten in and hurt herself... I started looking everywhere. I felt like a mom for a moment, which I might add, did not bring any pleasure. Well, given the circumstances. After two hours, and Two-Bit's desperate attempts at trying to calm me, we finally heard soft barks coming form under the bed... Yeah, you can all figure out how the rest went.

For the most part we made out, and did all this sorts of games. We were two lovers with the world at their feet and no worries. For the first time in a while I felt completely free. It was just me and Two-Bit and a whole cabin to ourselves. I missed that. During the day, we would go out and splash water at each other and have this sand ball wars. We even tried to make sand angels and a sandman. We failed miserably at that. But when we really wanted to get intimate. We would cuddle together under the same blanket. Lexi would be on top of me and we would watch a series of our favorite movies. From Holiday to The Fast and The Furious. Then we would dance around, and Two-Bit, who picked up some dancing skills as to not make a fool during our wedding, never ceased to impress me. The weekend was at its end. We were laying on the sand, watching the stars like the first day. I really didn't want this to end. I didn't want to go back to Tulsa. Or better said, I didn't want to go back to all that. To where I felt trapped.
"We should stay here forever." I said laying my head against his stomach. "Let's see, the beach, a cabin, no noisy kids, I could get used to it." I chuckled. "No, I mean it." I turned to look at him. "Just you and me, we don't need to ever go back." I don't know if it was the words or the way I said it, but he suddenly stood up and got all serious. "Oh. Well, Kitty, we need to get back at some point." "Why?" "Because, our whole lives are there. Don't tell me you wouldn't miss your friends, your brothers. C'mon Kit." I sighed. "My point exactly." I whispered but he heard me. He leaned towards me. "What was that about?" I turned towards him. "What?" He frowned for a second. "That thing you did back at the restaurant. I mean, I wasn't going to say anything before, but it's eating at me." I rolled my eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about." He sighed. "Kit, don't play dumb with me. That thing you did where you brushed your fingers through Dim's chest. What was that all about?" I chuckled. I placed my hands at either side of his face and kissed him. "I love you, Two-Bit. You. Not Dimitri." Two-Bit looked at me for a second. "You're doing this to piss of Jelly." He said more to himself than to me. I frowned. "That's not true." But he ignored me. "You know, she was just trying to help you." I scoffed. The words that Jelly had said to me. The words that I had fought so hard to ignored came all rushing back. "How the hell do you think this behavior makes Two-Bit feel? Huh? Here we are, all trying our hardest to do everything we can for you, and he has to watch his wife struggle while she’s pushing away all the people who care for her. Him included. Is nothing ever enough for you?" I took a deep breath as I caressed my neck slowly. "That's what you don't understand. I didn't ask for her to help me, or any of you. I just- I." But I couldn't continue, for fear of what I was about to say.
Two-Bit got closer to me. He held my hand and brushed a strand of hair away from my face. "What are you running from, Kitty? Why are you so afraid?" You know that in all the time that this has been going on, no one's ever asked me that. "You know how when someone leaves you, you feel all empty inside? Like a part of you is missing..." I was trying so hard to breath as he looked at me with those gentle gray eyes. "I miss my mom, Two-Bit. I miss her more than anything. And I can't help but feel like I was her greatest disappointment. And I don't want to be a mom because I don't want to make that same mistake again." Tears were starting to fall down my cheeks but I tried so hard to keep them in. I whipped them off, almost to nonexistence, before standing up and walking away. But Two-Bit held my arm. He pulled me towards him and made me sit. "No Kitty, you need to feel. I know it hurts, so I need you to feel that hurt. Please. Because, that's the only way, you'll heal. That's the only way you'll be able to forgive her and yourself. It's the only way, you'll learn to love again." So he wrapped me in his arms and I cried. "Tell me about it." He whispered.
"I told her I hated her. I said that looking straight into her eyes. I'm the reason they're dead. Because I defied her, because I took all that was important to her. Because I played with her love, with her feelings. And I can never make it right. My brothers, they don't understand. They don't know what it was like to be me. To be the girl, the daughter." I took a deep breath. "And I don't know what to do."