Stop The Word! I Want To Get Off!

I'm angry at the world. I'm annoyed by the world. I'm pissed of at the world. And that means, pissed off at everything that makes up the world. You don't need to know why. I'm pretty sure you don't even care why, as long as it doesn't affect your lovely little bubble, everything can go to hell. Don't even bother asking, I'm not telling why. You already know. Life is a series of events, and mine have just been a series of unfortunate ones. Except certain exceptions that have make it a little bit brighter. I'm still trying to figure out the exact moment my life turn to a living hell. I just realize, I don't smile that much, or am as happy-go-lucky as I used to be. So what? There is nothing that worth making me happy again. I just got to stick to the fucking consequences and live as a different person.

I don't think I'm ever going back to Tulsa. Well, I don't want to go back to Tulsa. Luck isn't going to smile at me, so I'll have to eventually go back. I don't want to run away like some of you did, simply because I know that is not the way to deal with my problems. They are going to finally catch up with me. I seriously can't wait for them to finally do. I want out. Maybe it's true. Maybe all I want with this post is some fucking attention. But what's so wrong about that? Maybe I just want someone to hug me forever and say "we love you Kitty, you're important to us" but I know I'm the only one that truly believes that. Over the past few weeks, maybe months, I felt more alone than just being alone. Maybe that's the reason I done some pretty fucking things. I know my stupid problems aren't as bad as others, but they are hurting me, and maybe, just maybe, this time it's about me. Repeating. What's so wrong about that? I haven't done something truly special for me in years. Ever since my parents died I given so many things to bong my family closer. I have make so many sacrifizes that I bet you don't even know about. And you don't need to know about them, because I don't need someone to recognize my efforts so it would make me feel better. I just need someone to pay attention to me once in a while.

I don't know where my life is going to go, or what I want to do with it. I don't even know if I want to find out, but right now I just want to hide under a rock and not go out. Yes, I'm in California, and I'm with Two-Bit, and I love him very much, more than he will ever know, and I'm not breaking up with him or anything, I want to stay with him forever, but right now, I want to be alone. Alone. In all the sense of the word. I don't want you to feel bad for me. I just want... I don't know what I want, but I want something. Pretty messed up huh? There isn't anything left that I really want to say. This is just how I feel and I hope at least some of you will understand.

I Knew That It Was Now Or Never

There is so much that's been going on this week. So much to catch up with. So much to understand. So much to decide. I'm gonna start since the beginning of last week. Monday, February 15, 2010. Just when I thought my life couldn't get any more messed up, it did. I found out, well, I was reminded on Sunday, about my little you-know-what thing with Steve. Yeah... I felt horrible, because I had made a commitment with a boy, and I had broken it, when I had promised myself I wouldn't. You'd think I would someday learn. That morning I had a lot of trouble waking up. I just wanted to hide under my blankies and never face the world. But they wouldn't let me. And by 'they' I mean the guys. I tried everything! I even faked chickenpocks and the flu, nothing worked! I sighed and got ready for school. There was chocolate cake for breakfast, but I was too sick to eat, I just wanted to go through with the day. At school, Mark was waiting for me at the door. He had his usual grin and beautifully combed hair. I hated myself for being the one that would take that grin away. He smiled when he looked at me, I wondered if I even deserved that smile, and he was holding a Valentine's card and a silvery bracelet. I gulped. I wanted to die. I looked around, begging for some mysterious force to just suck me down into the deepest layers of the earth. When I reached him, he kissed me on the cheek, I didn't move, and I think he noticed. I don't know what he saw in my face. Was it fear? Was it pain? Dissapointment? Anger? Whatever it was, I was glad he couldn't say anything, and the bell rang. I raced to my classroom, thanking for once in the whole semester that I didn't have first period with him. The day passed as any other day passed. I tried to avoid Mark as much as I could, until finally, when the day ended, I couldn't hide anymore. He asked me if I was ok, because obviously I was about to lose it. I said I was fine, just girl stuff, nothing to be worried off. He took out his card and the bracelet, and I felt a huge punch on my stomach. He said that maybe that could make me feel better, until I stared into his eyes and told him to save it. The next ten minutes were the worst and hardest ten minutes I had in my entire life. I explained everything. And for once, the truth didn't set me free, it just held me prisioner of my own actions. "I think we should take a break." That was the only thing he said. I'm not even going to translate that, because you can obviously get what it means. I dragged myself home, promesing to never leave it again. You can just imagine how many words I said to myself. I think I completely remade my entire personal vocabulary. Anyway, once at home, the gang was over for a hang out. Since I felt in a deep need for a hug and some laughter, I stayed with them. Then, I told Soda everything. He seemed indifferent, but I didn't care, I just needed to share it with someone, and he was the closest to me. What happened next was totally unplanned, and accident of fate, a little event part of life's perfect plan. Two-Bit shared with us that he had a crush on a girl of the gang, and being the curious cat that I am, I wanted to know. We finally got it out of him, and his answer was everything that I had never imagined. He liked me! Me! Two-Bit Matthews had a crush of me KitKat Curtis! I think my jaw dropped cause the boys started laughing. I never realized how much I like him until he finally said it. I mean, I was twelve when I developed this insane crush on him, that thanks to Soda, now everyone knows off. I told him I liked him too, and no surprised he asked me to be his girlfriend. Well, that totally made my day brighter.

And then, the week continued to go by, until the gang made me spend a day with Pony because they were sick and tired of us fitting. Well, you know everything thanks to Pony. I think we even fought about which side the freaking fly was going. For a moment I thought we were going to kill each other. We started to calm down as the day went by, and it came a time in which we opened up to each other. I told him all my deepest secrets that no one, and I mean no one, not even Dawn knew. I found out things about him that I didn't know. Now it's my time to tell the world Pony, muahahaha. I found out that Pony is scared of ants because we once saw this movie about a girl that gets stuck in a desert and wild ants eat her alive. Gross. That once he dressed up like a girl because he wanted to know how it felt like and Dad gave him a speech about his gender. That once after he asked mom and dad were babies came from and dad told him "when a boy and a girl love each other very much, they have a baby" he got scared of loving mom because then, he would have tons of siblings. LOL. AND.... that I was his favourite sister, which is kind of ironic cause I'm his only sister, but whatever.

And the week kept on going by. Two-Bit came to my house on Thursday -I had to move back home 'cause now that we were dating I couldn't stay with him, pfft- and we hang out. We watched a movie under the same blanket and made some popcorn, they were burn, but he didn't mind and I was already used to it. Then, after the movie ended he told me he was going with Blair and Car to California after Car's birthday. You can just imagine how I felt. My heart dropped. He wanted me to go with him, but I couldn't just leave, I had school and all. He told me I could think about it and I did. That night I tossed and turn in my bed trying to figure out what to do. Do the right thing, or be reckless and don't give a damn and go with him. It was a tough decision mainly because of one thing. I was graduating that year and hopefully getting an scholarship for collage, I couldn't just throw all that away. After Two-Bit's party for Car, I decided to go with him, but just wait for me 'cause Darry's birthday was on Sunday. What is it with everyone having a birthday this months? Am I the only weirdo who turns 18 in November?! For his birthday, I got him a motorcycle shirt that I had so much fun with Dawn picking it up. He said he didn't want a party, but we didn't listen to him and threw it anyway. On my behalf, I didn't touch a drop of alcohol the whole evening! Personal record.

And now I'm California, with Two-Bit, Blair, and Car. I told my brothers about this like fifteen minutes before we started the car to go. Of course they said they didn't approve but I told them I was going either way. They couldn't do anything but just hug me goodbye and I told them I'd be home soon, although I'm not sure about that. Anyway, during the trip, Darry called me to tell me that mom and dad might still be alive. It must have been the look on my face, 'cause Two-Bit who was sitting next to me asked me if everything was alright. I couldn't believe Darrel. I mean, I was sober and I don't remember that happening. And besides, mom and dad died like two years or so ago, we saw them buried at the funeral!!! I just can't believe that they are alive. I want to, but I can't. Sorry. Despite that, I had been having so much fun with this three insane people. Just the fun I needed. We will be back for Soda's wedding, so hang on people, don't miss me.

A Gun And A Pack Of Sandwiches

I bet you're all wondering just where the hell Brookie and I am. Don't worry. She's fine. We both are.

To start this story, let's go back a few days ago, shall we? As most of you know, Ponyboy and I had an argument. Ok fine, a strong argument. I want to apologize to you Pony, I said things I shouldn't and I know that I can't take them back, but I wish I could. I was kind of sentimental and well, anything could have gotten me mad that day, and I know that is not an excuse, so I'm sorry. It isn't easy for me to apologize, but there it is. I'm sucking up all my stupid pride and saying it. Anyway, Ponyboy got all mad and decided to go to Texas, which, if I'm being honest, I got to say that was the most dramatic and stupid thing for you to do, but I guess I'm not in the position to be judgemental, since I also did some pretty shitty and stupid things this week. After the fight, the last thing I wanted to do was stay at my own house. The last thing I wanted to do was see my brothers and/or the gang. So I stayed over at Talan's for the night. He was surprised to see me there. He asked if everything was ok, since I probably looked like shit. But I wasn't crying. Maybe I was about to, but I wasn't. He got me a bed and stayed with me all night. I still can't figure out why I decided to stay with him and not with Mark. I mean, Talan's just my best friend, and Mark is my boyfriend. I dunno. He hugged me and held me close. He rubbed my shoulder saying everything would be ok. But I hadn't told him what had happened so I wasn't sure he meant it. Talan is an only child. He belongs to the upper middle class. His parents are really nice, they remainded me of mine. His mum showed so much careness for me, and for the first time in a long time, I really missed mine. I wish she was still alive, and dad too. But they aren't. When they died, I didn't cry. I just pretended they were on a trip and they would come back someday. I tried so much to not let it bother me. For the first days it was really difficult, but when you get used to not letting things bother you, when you're used to being alone, you start believing it. Being with Talan's family made me realize that, it does hurt. Everything. That it's ok, everything hurts, and there is nothing bad about it. It's part of being human. I was so touchy that day, I'm surprised my asshole self didn't lose it. It was nice to have the comfort. I owe them so much. When I told Talan everything that happened, even the stripper thing, he wasn't mad or angry, which only made me feel worse. Like he already expected that from me. I looked over at his eyes and he promised he would help me. I couldn't quite figure just what he wanted to help me with, but I didn't ask him. I was too tired and sad to ask. And soon enough, I felt asleep, in his arms.

The next morning I woke up earlier than usual, and I mean really earlier. The ones who know me know that I usually wake up on the weekend like at noon, but that day, I woke up probably around 7:30. His mother greeted me with homemade pancakes, and it felt nice. I didn't want to leave, but I couldn't hide forever. And I had to get home, or Darry would probably think I run away too. When I got to my house, Darry was making breakfast and Soda was with Katie waiting in the living room. I didn't look at neither of them, I just made my way to my room, but before I could get there, Darry took me by the arm and dragged me all the way to the kitchen. Katie excused herself and went over to her room with Jamie, and Soda joined us. Darry looked furious, and I looked scared. I had two things on my mind. Either he was mad because I didn't come home tonight and he knew about my fight with Pony, or he was mad because of the whole stripper thing. It was both. Shit. "What the fucking hell where you thinking KitKat! Not only was that the stupiest thing to do, but do you think I like my sister being a whore?! You're quitting that job right now, better off, we'll come with you and you're never, and mark my words, never in what's left of your life going to that fucking place again! And you're banned forever from alcohol!" I just looked down. If words could kill, I would have already been dead. I didn't say anything, and by the way he screamed at me, I thought he was going to hit me. And I wouldn't have mind him hitting me. Actually, I would have minded very much if that had been the only thing he had done to me. He didn't even say anything about Pony, he just said I was grounded for eternity plus one. Then, after breakfast, Soda and him took me to Buck's to make me quit. It wasn't a pretty scene, but I did what I was told. I have never been so ashamed in my entire life. I think I'm just going to hide for the rest of my life.

After I while, I tried to call Pony to apologized, and when I was finally able to reach him, I told him I was coming over to pick him up. I called Talan and asked him for his car. I didn't tell Darry or Soda. I bet they are going to kill me when I get home. But I don't care. I deserve it. I made a stop at the Cade's because I thought Brooke might want to come. And she did, without Johnny's permission. It isn't her fault. It is all mine and it is all mine responsibility. If anyone has an issue, you can all blame me. She's fine though. I'm taking good care of her. So we made our way to Dallas, Texas. It was a long trip, and it was dark when we got there. I started to look all over bars for Pony, since he told me that was where he worked. You can't imagine just how many freaking bars there are in Dallas. I mean, a city the twice the size of Tulsa, and it has two freaking bars together. Seriously. That night, we slept on the car, since we couldn't afford a room. I apologized to Brooke that I couldn't get her a bed to spend the night, but she kept saying that it didn't matter. I kept saying that it did. Then, it was Valentine's Day. I didn't mind spending it alone, but I was determined to find Pony so he could spend it with Brooke. It took us over five hours to finally find him. He turned out to work at the last bar in my list. Fuck life.

I only said one word to Pony on our way back. And that was "I'm sorry". I didn't think I deserved to talk to him. Brooklyn and him looked so cute together and I was glad they could spend the day together. I got messeages from Mark all the way, but I didn't answer any. I was too depressed and sad to. Finally, we arrived at Tulsa, and I took Brookie over to spend what was left of the day with Pony. When I got home, I was surprised Darry didn't yell at me, but I figured it was expressed all over my eyes that I was too scared and sad, so Soda told him to just lay off. I went to my room and tried to reach Mark, to at least tell him Happy Valentine's Day, since his stupid girlfriend didn't spend it with him. It took me over an hour to finally reach him. He didn't scream at me, but he did scoll me. Well, kinda. He told me he had been worried sick because out of nowhere I go missing. No phone calls, no texts, no nothing. He wished me Happy Valentine's Day and I apologized for ruining his day. He said that it didn't matter, he told me that we could still spend the day together, but I told him I couldn't, since I wasn't allowed to leave the house, and that's when I told him why I had gone missing. He didn't say it, but I'm sure I screwed whatever he had planned for me. I ran out of apologies. He hang up, saying he had to go to sleep and hopefully we'll see each other tomorrow. I hang up and then I said I loved him. I guess life does have a way to turn its back on you. Maybe tomorrow'll be another day. Hopefully.

Seems As If It Had Been Yesteday

So I was cleaning up my room today when I came through with a old photo album forgotten with time and wrapped in a thin cover of dust. I sat down and started browsing through it, and what I found were pictures of us when we were little. I thought I'd share them with you.


Brookie Cookie


Jamie


Pony


DC


Car


JCake


KittyKat


Jell-O


Blairinator


Sodapop


Stevealicious


Dallas


Two-Bit


Darrbear

A Contest I'm Pretty Sure No One Would Want To Be Part Of

So today Blair, Car, and Dawn came over to my house to hang and to disscuss Dawn's romantic issues. I'm so exited about this. You know, setting up a friend with the boy he likes. Now I know why Jamie does it so much. I got Tony's schedule from a friend and we started to make arrangements so it would match almost perfectly to Dawn's schedule. We didn't want to make it the same, since it would be pretty obvious and well, we wanted to be as casual as possible. So after the proper arrangements were done, I went over to my friend's house so he would do the rest, and then came back. So we were four girls, a house to ourselves, and nothing more than endess possibilities... We decided to see a movie, since there wasn't anything more to do. Until I suggested we made some popcorn. No surprise, Dawn and Car stood in front of the kitchen door refusing to let me use it. I don't always burn popcorn ya know. But then, Blair came into my defense, and the alliance soon turned into rivalry. She started going about how she was a much worst cook than myself and I protested saying that I was an even worst cook. It started as mere modesty, but then it turned into a game. As you know, I am quite competitive, so this couldn't end good. We finally agreed that the only way to determine who defenetly suck at cooking was by a contest. You should've seen the looks in DC and Car's faces. I called the rest of the gang to come be witnesses. Of course we didn't say why, they would have never comed otherwise, so we just said there was a hang out here and that they should come.

When the gang came over and DC told them to run, Two-Bit decided to make this interesting and I'm quoting: "I might regret it but ok." He set up some rules. Rule number one: We must used the ingredients INSIDE the recipe. No improvising. Number two: Don't place anything that might be considered 'poisenous'. Number three: Don't do the recipe backwards just to 'see what happens'. (That was my plan.) And number four: The contestants as well as the judges must taste the food. I think they all protested at that, but Two-Bit said it was the only way to determine the winner. We did a bunch of recepies my mom had. It was pretty hilarious. They were all very nervous. Like we were about to kill them. Hehe. I don't blame them though. We took absolutely EVERYTHING that was in the kitchen. Darry was not pleased with having to go get groceries again for the week, but he'll get over it. We did three recipes, the same ones for each of us, to make it 'fair'. At the end everyone took their time to taste them, even ourselves. I think they are going to kill us sometime soon. I still think I'm an even worse cook than Blair, even after tasting her 'meals', but that's up to you to decide. What do you guys think? Who won?