It Hurts To Grow Up

I don't know what to say, all I know is I gotta say something. I'm walking through this path called life without a map of where I'm headed to. Everyone's growing up so fast. It's crazy. I just wish it would all just slow down for a while. I don't want to grow up. I seriously don't. I just want to be able to do what I want and get my way. I want to be a kid forever. I know this isn't going to happen but, I don't know I'm all mixed up. Several things are going on I mean, first Soda and Katie's wedding, then Rhiley was born, and now Darry is marrying Bri. I'm not saying I'm not happy about it, I am, I just think I gotta feel something else beside unconditional happiness, but I don't and that scares the hell out of me.

I really haven't hang out with anyone lately. I been trying to raise my grades up for one thing. Colleage. But the thing is, I don't even know where to apply to or if I even want to apply. I got no hell of an idea where to go, what to do with my life. A part of me knows I want to get somewhere in life, but another just wants to stay where it is. I envy people who since always they have known what to do with their life. The other day I was helping Jamie for university options and I realized I haven't done half the things she has and she is constantly telling me that with my smarts I could get anywhere I wanted to. She's pushing me but somehow I'm pushing it back because colleage means growing up. It's not high school anymore. It's a whole new ball game. A whole new path.

I'm stubborn towards change. Always known that. I want things to be the way they were. I knew I had to talk to someone about this. I realized I'm such a hypochrite because I give people advice on how to deal with their problems but I never take that advice into my own life. I realized for the first time I needed my mom. I needed someone who could solve my problems and tell me what to do. But mom wasn't here and I knew that and I accepted it. So I went to the only person I knew that would give me the piece of advice I needed. I went to Buck. No you didn't read wrong and no I'm not out of my mind. Maybe I am but I always knew that. You see, despite whatever you might think of that guy, I hold a lot of respect towards him. I got to meet him without his shell of toughness that scares people off. He knows me at my best and at my worst. I feel kinda bad for not talking about this with Two-Bit but I don't know. I guess I'm a liar because I won't tell him everything. I know I'm stupid because sometimes I'm dead wrong. But that's the way it is and I needed someone who despite everything would tell me the things like they are and not hold any sympathy for me and I know you guys would.

So I went to Buck and I told him EVERYTHING. I didn't shead a tear because I don't do crying, even when I really want to. I didn't shead a tear because I'm not supposed to feel scared but I am and I'm trying to hide it. He told me, and I will remember his words forever. It was a long chat. He was somehow cold with the way he talked and I wanted it to be that way. Half of it I didn't really want to understand or accept. "You just gotta get there and be yourself. Things then will fall into place." I guess he's right somehow. After thanking him for taking his time to talk to an undecisive outsider like me, I went back to the house and hang out with Katie. Gosh I really am a mess. I guess I could have tell her too but no. I planned to just let it slip and I don't know, just live I guess. I'm not really sure what I'm getting to with this. Take it as feelings from a seventeen year-old outsider.