Right Here, Right Now, Just Us

"KitKat Sarah Curtis! Where the fucking hell have you been? No call. You just disappear! You know I had Tim and Dally and Steve look all over town for you." I knew I was in slight trouble when Two-Bit used my full name. I knew he must've been worried sick. I mean, he sent Dallas. "I'm sorry. I-" But he didn't let me finish, because the moment he saw me he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me close. I could barely breathe as he hold me close to his chest. I could hear his heart beating. Slow and regular. He'd never hugged me that way. No one has. I had forgotten about the warmth of his skin. The way my body relaxed by the mere touch. I felt protected. He hugged as though he didn't want to let me go. He hugged me like he wanted me to become a part of him. And I just wanted to be in his arm. After slow seconds he was starting to pull away. "No." I said and I clenched my hands to his shirt. I wasn't willing to let him go either. I couldn't see his face, but he kissed me on the forehead as he lifted me and carried me to our bed. He put me down and wrapped his arm around me. "Two-Bit?" I whispered. "Yeah?" "How come you worry so much about me? I mean, I was gone for like a day." He was silent for a second. Then he leaned closer and pushed me towards him. My face inches from his. "Because I love you, Kitty. Even when we where just friends I took care of you. I really want to be the one who protects you. The one who you can count on. The one you can talk to." He kissed me gently on the cheek. "You see, I'm stealing Dimitri's place as the best friend." I kissed him. "You don't have to worry about that. You're first on my book."

So what happened on those two days that we were away? Dealing with Miss Sandy Davis should be cconsidered an Oympic Sport. Her freaking hormones annoy the shit out of me. We just mostly talked. About everything. It felt weird, you know. I'm usually the one that has to hold it together. The one that is always on one piece. So being the patient and not the doctor was a whole new expirence for me. I can't personally say I liked it. Actually, I don't think I ever want to go through it again, but I promised Sandy and unfortunatley I like to keep my promises. Do I want to talk about it? Not really. But what's to tell anyway? It is all nicely written in Sandy's blog, so if you're that curious go check it out.

When I woke up the next morning, Two-Bit was still asleep. There is no greater feeling than waking up next to him. The wake up part beats the sex part of the night. And if you say anything Dallas against it I will cut your balls off. But no pressure. :P I stood up to try not to wake him and went to the kitchen. I had planned something special for him that morning. I had Dimitri and Chase run errands all morning. They brought me chocolate, milk, eggs, sugar, and some other cooking stuff. I was gonna make brownies. And no, not from the instant receipe that comes in the boxes. Two-Bit's favourite brownies have to be made from scratch. Let me tell you, just because you're doing something with all your heart does it make it any less difficult. Chase and Dimwit were enjoying my lack of cooking abilities. They offered to help but I turned them down... for the 100th time. "No!" I said growling at them. "I got to make this! I just have to get this right on my own." I know I can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but I just really wanted something to go right. I wanted something to go as planned. I really just needed that feeling of satisfaction. Eventually Two-Bit got up and I was almost finished. "Ah! Go back to bed." I ordered him. So I set everything up and brought it over to the room. "Did someone ordered Breakfast in Bed?" I said putting the tray down. "Kitty?" He asked as he looked at the tray. "Are these my mother's brownies?" I kissed him. "I love you, Two-Bit Mathews." So we sat down and we ate and we joked around and we talked. And those are the moments that are truly amazing.

Later on, we took a walk. "Where are we going?" Two-Bit asked. We had been walking for over an hour, past the South Side, into the forest. "I'm sorry about the walk, it's just that Dimitri is fixing up Sheila and all." "You named your car?" "Hells to the yeah." "Okey..." And I slapped him on the side of the head for dramatical effect. We all know tha dark forest that surrounds the south side and the stories our parents used to tell us to keep us away. No surprised your little friend decided to check them out one day a couple of years ago. About a twenty minute walk from the entrance and into the heart of the woods, there is a small meadow. Oak trees surrounded it and there is so little light that its always shadowy and cool. It's perfect to lie down and think. And beyond that meadow, there is a cliff, and it's the scene you've ever seen. It's my favourite place in the world. "What is this?" Two-Bit said. "Do you remember how I used to tell you that one day I wanted to go visit London and Paris and all those magic places?" He nodded. "Well, this is my Paris and my London, and my Tulsa. This is the only place in the world where there are no greasers or socs. Where people are just that, people. I come here when something's bothering me or when I just want to be alone. This is my sacred place. It's called Kitty's Point. Because here is where everything conects. Where everything makes sense." Two-Bit looked around and then he lifted me up and swing me. "Now we can call it Two-Bit and Kitty's Point." We sat around the edge of the cliff watching the clouds. We saw the birds and the butterflies enjoying the spring. "Two-Bit, this place is beautiful." "It sure is." "Two-Bit," I leaned towards him so he could see me. "Why don't we get married? Right here. Right now. Just us."

Don't You Ever Ever Feel Like You're Less Than Fucking Perfect

87. 87 is dangerland. 87 is parties and laughs and hugs and kisses. 87 is too real it scares me. Yet, 87 is what it is. And it doesn't seem to go away. 87 is beauty. 87 is strength. 87 is weakness. 87 is freedom. 87 is respect. 87 is everything there is. Is 87 happiness? I hear voices in my head. "It is not worth it." They say. I hear others. "It's what you want." Is it? Is it really? Because it comes a point where I really don't know. It is just the space between my bones and my skin. I'm wrapped up in a porcelain frame. 87 is dangerous. It doesn't seem to go up but it goes down. 87 is good. Not perfect, but good. I raised a glass of shallow water. I drank it. I felt how the water slowly fell of my jaw. It feels watery and flavourless. Water has been my companion for ten months now. Ten months and I've managed to survive. I must be really lucky. Or really unlucky.

I got outside my door. The living room is empty. The kitchen is empty. Jelly's room is empty. There's no one home. So I lock myself in the bathroom. Like I have done many times before. I stare at myself in the mirror and I do the unthinkable. I lift up my shirt and take off my pants. I had to buy new ones so they would fit. The others, they don't understand, hell, I don't think I understand. I leaned towards the mirror and I look, like really look. I look at my face, at my chest, at my stomach, at my thighs, at everything that forms me. And I wonder, do I like it? I love my face. It's the face of an angel. The face a million girls would die for. I stare at my chest. It's not flat, but I could do better. You can see my ribs sticking out and bones marked were my breasts should be. I dare to go lower. My stomach is shrinking on itself, ready to make my throw up if I let it. I never imagined myself like this, then again, I never did I not imagined myself like this either. I finally look down, to all that there is and all that's been holding me up. I look for something to lean on, but all I see are two sticks holding me. Two long and skinny sticks that feel like they might give up any second. It's as if though I'm a ghost. It feels like I'm floating. Am I?

I stare down at the toilet. I feel like I'm about to lose it. I sit down. I can't. It's not right. It never has been. I lean on the wall and slowly let myself fall. I sit. I pressed my legs against my chest. I need to tell someone. I really do. It's eating me. How do you want to die? From the outside-in or from the inside-out? But no one will understand. No one can really feel what I'm feeling. No one can know what I'm really thinking. No one will understand no matter how hard they try. So who to tell? I tried before, I told Dimitri, but he didn't get it. He didn't understand. He didn't tell me exactly what I wanted to hear. What is it that I want to hear? Soda laid out all kinds of sentences. Sentences and words. They don't mean much. Do they mean anything at all? I start breathing heavily. My heart is pounding fast. I can feel each heart beat pressing up against my chest. One breath at a time. I sniff quietly.

The first time they found out... Dimmy told me to talk about. "Kitty, you don't have to hold it together every minute of every day." Hmm. Yeah, I do. I really do. Because if I don't, I lose control, and for a girl me, a girl that has to put up with this shit every minute of every day, losing control leads to dangerland. I feel like crying again. Lately, that seems to be the only thing I ever do. Cry and cry and cry some more. What happened to me? I've cried more this past year than I had in the past six or so years. I really just needed to talk to someone. So I grabbed my phone and searched through the contact list. Only one person knows how I'm feeling. I called Sandy. "Hey." I said as she picked up. "What wrong?" She asked. I can't even begin to wonder how my voice sounded that she of all peopled noticed. "I need to talk to you." I said. When I hung up, I stood up and I put my clothes and as I did my mind kept wondering.

I am that girl. The girl that people watch go by. The girl that the boys just stare at the pretty face because there's nothing more to stare at. The girl that the other girls talk to. "Tell us your secret." They say. Hmm. As if this was something to be excited about. A couple of days ago a little girl came to me. A freshman. Boy are they naive. She asked me how do I do it? How did I get so skinny? Because she'd been trying. And she couldn't get herself to be pretty. Did she really think I did this on purpose? Did she really think I wanted it? I've always loved myself. I've always loved the way I look. It all stared July. 110, tall and perfect. Then I made the mistake or running away. And that month, I lost ten. And then, it just didn't seem to stop. I had made my body used to it, so that it would ask for less and less. Then a 100 turned into 90 and 90 turned into the magical number 87. Dangerland. Ten months, over the course of ten months I lost 23. Great. So when I looked at the little girl and I saw her a flash of guilt rushed through my skin. She was startled by my figured. Impressed with my body and style. Her eyes were glowing as she waited for me to answer her, as if I was her fairy godmother and I could give her everything she ever wanted. So I answered. "Piece of advice kid, you're beautiful. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. And you, you don't want this." And I turned around and left. Truth is, that little girl hadn't been the first, and unfortunately not the last either. Do they think I really wanted this? Do they want it so badly? Fine, they can take it, 'cause I'm so done with it. So sick of it.

So when I heard about Sandy, about the official diagnosis and the fact that she was locked up I thought I knew what to do. I drove there and when I rushed to her room, I packed her things and told her we where making a run for it. Just a small one. Driving had always calmed me. Sometimes when I was really upset about something I would take the truck for a drive in the middle of the night. Just around the north side. "Where are we going?" I did not think this through. I shrugged without looking at Sandy. "Where do you want to?" She shrugged too so I just kept on going. I didn't realize we had left Tulsa until we saw small villages around us. I didn't want to go back so I just kept driving. The clock marked 11:34 and I could hardly see straight. "I think we should go back." I nodded. Unfortunately I thought so too. But when I turned around there was a nasty sound coming from the engine. Ugh. That didn't sound good. I was pushing hard on the accelerator but I was only barely moving. So I pulled up to the side and inside the forest. I guess we shall call it a night and set up camp or something.

It's not a good thing when your car brakes down in the middle of fucking no where. "We can't just stay here! What are we gonna do?" Sandy asked. "Well, it's not like there's some kind of hotel nearby. We stay here until I fix this." "Yeah? And how are you gonna fix it?" "It can't be that hard to fix a car. Soda does it." Suddenly I wish I had listened to my brother when he tried and failed to explain me mechanics. So after an hour of calming hormonal Sandy -.- and setting up our little improvised camp, I took a look at the engine. So I pulled some stuff here and cleaned some stuff there and yeah. "How is it?" Sandy asked. "I got no effing clue." "What?" She asked. "You've been doing this for over half an hour." "Yeah well, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing." I snapped, leaning against the hood with my greasy hands over my head. "Sometimes I don't know what the fuck I'm doing." Sandy took a deep breath and closed the hood of the car. She took my arm and dragged me to sit by the fire she had set up. "I really think you should talk about it. About whatever that's bothering you."

There's So Much You Can Learn But You Don't Want To Know

Sometimes there are some things that are better left forgotten. Like a childhood memory. Or a bad expirence there. Or the fact that someone close to you, as in blood close, might've shared more with you than they are supposed to.

So Dimitri, Jelly, Katie, Soda, Blair, Dallas, Chase, Dawn, Steve, Darry, Pony, Two-Bit and I were all hanging out on the house. As in the official Curtis Residence. And we were doing what we do best, well, what we do second best which is chat and talk and pretty much waste each other's time. And we were talking about the old times. And Soda and Steve, besides their usual argument about how supposedly it is Steve's fault that everyone now know Soda's petite, which is really not true, stupid Soda just misinterpret what was said, they were fighting over Jelly. "I can't believe you kissed Jelly! She was my girlfriend!" "Dude, it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't really matter." "Matter?!" And that's when Soda stood up to size Steve up. "It fucking matters to me!" And Steve with his cocky personality just folded his arms and raised an eyebrow. "Why?" He said as though it was no big deal. "Because the night you kissed Jelly was the night I kissed Jelly for the very first time." Jelly almost chocked on her drink. "What? You kissed her that night too?" And that's when Steve got up. We all turned to look at Jelly, who was turning tomato red and tried not to laugh. All except Dimitri, who I think was starting to get pissed. I guess it hasn't been Jelly's most faithful week. Oops. "Two guys in one night?" Blair scoffed. "That's nothing." "Yeah." Dally just added but he got eyed so he shut up. "And here I was thinking she became a slut after she came back from Seattle." Jelly gave me the middle finger and I blow her a kiss.

"Okay, tell me when did this happen?" Steve asked. "After you told me that she was passed out in my room, I went in there to make sure she was alright. She was lying on my bed, all buried in coats or whatever it was. Well, I went to kiss her on the forhead but it was so dark I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away but then I felt her kissing me back. It was only for a second but it was amazing. And now I found out that you kissed her first!" Soda said stomping his feet like a little boy. "Wait, what bed did you say she was on?" He took a step closer to Soda and looked like he was trying to figure out something. Soda frowned for a moment. "Well, mine." He said as though stating the obvious. "Dude, I'm pretty sure I put her on Kitty's bed." Steve said pointing at me. "No, she was defintely on my bed." "Can you cut it out on the beds?" Blair interrumpted. "No! The beds are important." Steve said not looking away from Soda. "Soda, why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed? I mean we all know that's just self-destruction." "Yeah." We all agreed. "Well then who was on my bed?" Soda asked.

I turned to look at Jelly and whispered. "Jell-O, what night was this?" I asked. She leaned in closer, like she was trying to avoid Dimitri from listening. "Do you remember that party that Soda threw when your parents were away on a camping trip? How it got totally crashed because they got home early?" "Yeah." I said and that's when it hit me. I think my eyes got all wide as I yelled. "Oh! Oh! Oh!" Everyone turned to look at me because I was seriously freaking out from what I had just figured out. Soda was the first one to make sense of it. "No! No! No!" He yelled. "Yes!" I yelled back standing up a little too fast that I dropped my drink. "You were the one passed out on my bed?" I nodded nervously. "Uh huh." "Kit! What the hell were you doing on my bed?!" "I couldn't find my way to mine! I was too drunk to do anything!" I yelled in defence. "OH MY GOD!" Soda said putting a hand over his chest. Perhaps to prevent his heart from virtually ripping off his chest. I know, I was feeling the same way. "You were my mystery kisser?" "Hm. This just keeps getting better and better." Dally said leaning back on the couch. We ignored him. "The hell with that! You were my first kiss with Jelly?!" "You were my first kiss EVER?!" Oh god, I could feel all my insights moving in ways they shouldn't. It's one thing to have your first kiss and not know who it was. It's another one completely to have it with your older brother.

"Um, you guys, does that mean we get to see you two make out now?" Dimitri said as he could hardly contain his laughter. I shot him a look. "Yeah, I mean, I always knew you two were close but I never took you for the incest type." Dear Darrel added. "God, I think I'm gonna go puke." I said. "Yeah, me too." Soda added. "Well, don't follow me into the bathroom!" I yelled. "Right!" And he went outside. "Well, I guess we resolve the matter of who was Jelly's first kiss." Chase said.