All Those Lonely, Lonely Times

"Kitty? What are you doing here?" Dimitri's confused face stared at me. "What? Now I need an invitation?" He shook his head as I closed the door behind me. "No dummy, but Jelly said she was going to hang out with the girls. I just assumed you where with her." I nodded. Jelly had thought it'd be fun to have a girl's night out, but I wasn't really in the mood to party or hang out or do whatever she had in mind for us. I just wanted someone to talk to. I stood nervously playing with my fingers. "Kit, what's wrong?" Dimitri said. I shook my head. "That's the thing. I don't know what's wrong. But I thought I could come here and maybe talk about it." I walked over to the side of his bed. He was still hooked up to some machines. Jelly's dad had said that he'd be able to go home at the end of the week. We where all eager for Friday. I was convinced this would've been a hell of a lot easier if we where in the sanity of his house, where there was the reassurance that no one would burst in unannounced.

"Ok, so let's talk." He said. The way he smiled made me feel like I could him everything. Every single thought that worried my mind. But I wasn't really sure how to start so I asked for his help. "Mind if you start doing the talking? I think it would be better." He tried his best to not look confused, for which I was thankful. He took a deep breath before speaking. "Well, you know how Jelly and I just celebrated our eight month anniversary." I nodded. How can anyone miss those? "After Chase took Jelly out, Dr. Winston, I mean James, can by to check on me and we talked for a while." A smile plastered through his face and I wondered what he was about to say. "We talked about Jelly mostly. And I asked him what he would think if I asked Jelly to marry me." At the M word I think I almost jumped of joy. I had to remember that a) Dim was a boy so he wouldn't do the happy dance with me and b) even if he did he was literally incapacitated. Hehe... "Yeah. He said he would be happier about it. Which lead me to think. It was right to save Jelly. I love her more than anything. I couldn't bear anything hurting her. That's why it was worth it. I would've probably lost my mind if she had been in my place." I smiled gently. "You know, I really want to say that if you do that again I will beat you, but no. It's not that I want you to get ran over by a car or anything, what I'm saying is that if one of us is ever trouble, we would be more than lucky to get saved by you. If that makes any sense at all." I really felt like I was talking in circles. Twisting the words around so that no one could understood me. It was frustrating though because I always had a way with words. To say what I really meant the way I meant it. Dimitri seeme to read my thoughts. "Yeah I get it. And don't worry if there's ever another damsel in distress or one of the guys can't seem to throw a punch coughDallascough, I'll be there." I chuckled and punched lightly on his good shoulder. "Now you're being a kissass." We laughed for a moment. Genuine laughs that hang in the air. I almost forgot something was wrong. That was, until he brought it up. -.-

"So, what's up with you? How you feeling?" I had meant to chuckled in a mocking manner but all that came out was an arrogant scoff. Slightly what I wanted to portray. "You have no idea." He stared patiently at me and when I didn't continue he spoke. "Well then, give me an idea." I sighed. I really didn't want to get into that. I never really talked about it with anyone. But I knew that Dimitri wouldn't stop asking until he got what he wanted. It took me a moment to put it in words. "Sometimes I feel like I am made of paper, you know. Very delicate, very fragile. When people see me they look at my body and they instantly know that there's something wrong. They need to be careful. I don't want them to be careful. It's like I'm not even myself anymore. Like I have this boundary limiting my every move." There was a small silence. He had pulled the trigger and now I couldn't stop talking. I wondered if that was a good thing or not. "Before you woke up, Grandma Liz took me to see a doctor. Easy to say that she wasn't very happy with me. I'm not really gonna repeat what she said because there's no use but what's important is that I have to find a reason, a physicological reason, that lead to starvation. And then make amends with it." I scoffed again. "It's easy for her to say. I have no idea what's wrong. I just know it happened." Long paused, maybe a sniffled. "There are days, you know, when I feel like crap. Like nothing-even-matters crap. Those are the days when it feels like I should just give in and be done with it. But then, like Grandma Liz said, that wouldn't be fair to anyone. She's right. But it's not enough. Everything she said is not enough to fully convince me that I don't want this."

I felt small tears fill in my eyes and escape through my cheeks. I turned around so that Dimitri wouldn't see me cry because I can't stand it. He rested his hand over mine. "Kitty, it's ok to cry. Really. I'm your best friend. I don't judge. We're the none judging Breakfast Club." I chuckled at the last part. He had been spending too much time with Jelly. But despite that, he was right. So I turned around to face him with tears in my eyes. He smiled warmly at me and I nodded. I took a deep breath before continuing. "A couple of days ago I took a pregnancy test because I was late. I've never been late in my entire life so it was quite a shock. I figured out later that I had been late for two months now and two months ago I hadn't had sex, so it all just made sense." I paused and he nodded in understanding. "Anyway, as I held the pregnancy test, negative if I must say, it hit me. This is real. I mean this is really happening. I'm getting married in June and then we may start a family. I'm not ready to start a family and the only reason I didn't tell Two-Bit about it is that I didn't want him to think I was getting cold feet. I'm not. Dammit, I love him more than anything and I want this more than anything else, but I'm-." It took me a moment to put into words, mostly because by this time I was actually crying. "I'm- I'm scared." I said. "Oh Kitty." Dimitri said. He leaned forward all he could and stroke my cheek. "Come here." I laid down next to him, trying me best to take as little room as possible so I wouldn't make him uncomfortable. He hugged me tighly as I silently sobbed. "It's ok to be scared. There's nothing wrong with that. And I think you should talk to Two-Bit about this too, he'll understand. Don't worry." I closed my eyes for a moment and we stood in silence for a while. I was really trying to calm myself down. I felt better, in a way.

"So," I said after all was well. "You and Jelly are getting pretty serious huh? I call engagement ring?" I cleaned my eyes with a tissue and smiled because this news really did make me happy. "Yeah, I guess that would in order. But we'll see." "Do I get to choose? Be the noisy best friend that picks up the ring?" He cocked an eyebrow. "I might regret this but ok. "Yes!" I said jumping off the bed with joy. "Yay another wedding! There's gonna be a cake and a reception, and, I bet Jell-O would look sexy in creamy white!" Dimitri laughed at me. "Slow down, nothing's decided." I nodded. "Fine." "Ya feeling better?" "A little. Thanks, you know, for listening. I really need it."