Obliviousness, it is something that we yearn for. Not being able to feel anything. It is a blessing, really, to be able to go through life without a care. But some of us aren't that lucky. Ignorance is not bliss. It never was. Maybe when it is overshadowed by innocence, but not now. Not at eighteen.
Because when you try so hard not to feel anything you realize you've hurt some people without even knowing. I used to think that when you ran away from your problems eventually they all came back and the speed at which they reached you is too powerful to control.
There has been a lot of thinking, a lot of analyzing, a lot of feeling. I began to enter this emotional corner inside myself so I could figure out just what the hell I was doing. And then it all dawned on me. It isn't their fault. It has never been anyone's fault and blaming them will never make it true. It wasn't Jelly's fault, she was trying to help. And maybe I would've understood it if I hadn't been so determined to push everyone away.
It is when you truly feel alone, like no one is looking at you. And you're so scared you can't speak. And it's weird and you hate it.
I collected the small pains I wanted to throw away but couldn't, so I put them all away and into big boxes. I was flying so high that I didn't let anyone's consolation reach me.
I forgot how to feel pity, how to act upon it.
The kiss was a mistake. Plain and simple. The repercussions it brought came at a higher price than the kiss itself. Did I do it merely to piss off Jelly? No. Actually, I do not know why I did it. And that smile in my face wasn't satisfaction. It was a mask that fitted my face so well it became it.
So I had to get rid of everything nasty and dangerous. Everything that was wrong, wrong, wrong. And I had to apologize, because it stopped being just about messing with Jelly. If I was willing to go to such lengths without feeling any kind of remorse then I had a bigger problem.
Still, I can't apologize to Jelly because I haven't apologized to myself. And that takes time.
It's what I've been doing all month. Going to sessions, talking, crying, letting it all out so I can understand. So I can accept. No more running, no more hurting, no more believing a lie that it's not. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think it would help, and it seemed to be time to learn to accept help.
And I'm sorry.
Well, at least some of us had a happy Valentines' Day.
Tuesday, June 5
Thursday, February 16
Goddamn Polite And Composed
Things have been tough lately. Jelly and I are no in speaking terms. We can't even look at each other without wanting to poke our eyes out. So I had to find a new place to live. At least for the time being.
I knocked on the house. It was Pony who answered. "Kitty, you came to visit!" He said, disturbingly excited. "Yeah, well, I plan on crashing for a while." His expression changed. And I hoped I wouldn't be right as to what he was about to say. "Sorry Kit," He gave me sad smile. "But Darry said you aren't welcome, at least for now." Hmm. As though my year couldn't get worst. I nodded in understanding. It wasn't his fault, and if I saw Darry, I would give him the silent treatment too. "Sorry." He said again, with an apologetic smile. I nodded. I sighed as he close the door. Someone had to take me in. I walked slowly to the next door. I let myself in. "Hey, anyone home?" I called. Katie came in, holding Skye. She was surprised to see me. "Hey." She said. Assuming Soda was at work, I asked. "Hey, I was wondering, do you mind if I crash for a while?" Katie nodded. "That bad?" "Yeap." "Well, at least you can help me with Skye." She said. "I have to go to work, but see you later?" I nodded as she handed me little Skye. She was beautiful. She had Katie's smile, but Soda's recklessly laughing brown eyes. Cutie.
I spent most of the day feeding, changing, hugging, and playing with Skye. In many ways, I envied her. As she lay asleep in my arms, I guess I would've never have thought I could take care of a creature like that. I stood watching her for hours. Until I placed her in her crib, so she would be more comfortable.
As I walked to the guest room, I noticed Soda and Katie's room was opened. I don't know what I was thinking, but I found myself going through Soda's old stuff. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I knew I hadn't found it yet. I kept searching, until I came across one of his drawers. It was hidden in the deepest part of the drawer, almost invisible. But it caught my eye. I took it out. It was addressed to Soda, from Jelly so I started reading it.
I smiled as I folded it. I had it.
The next day I woke up late, 'cause it was my no doing shit day. I took it to my advantage. I went to the apartment. No one was home, as expected. I walked into Jelly's room. There was some of Dim's stuff laying on the ground. Perfect. I tore the letter in half and threw it in the trashcan, making sure the envelope that said "Soda", was visible. I was surprised at how devilish this whole plan was. It was doom to be what I was looking for. What I was yearning for. The ultimate act of revenge. I wasn't going to forgive her.
I went back to Soda and Katie's to sleep some more. I woke up then to the sound of moving around. I opened my eyes and found Two-Bit setting up a table cloth in the floor at the foot of the bed. "Hey beautiful." He said when he saw me. "Happy Valentine's Day." Oh, shit. That was today? "I got you a gift." He was so excited, I felt terrible for forgetting. He took out a long silver box. "This is also a Happy Two Year Anniversary!" I opened the box and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Black Tulips are my favorites, because they are extremely rare and mysterious. "Oh my, where did you find this?" I asked. He winked. "I have my secrets. Plus, Dimitri helped." I smiled as I walked up to him and hugged him. Never mind the table cloth, we cuddled on the bed. We told jokes and scary stories and talked. But I couldn't shake this feeling of extreme guilt for forgetting.
"Two-Bit, I have a confession." He looked confused. "I forgot it was Valentine's Day, just like I forgot that in two days it's our Two Years Dating Anniversary. I'm so sorry." Sorry for being busy plotting against one of my best friends to remember our special days. Mental bitch slap.
"That's okay," He said softly. He started kissing my stomach. "But I do believe you can make it up to me." He winked and started kissing me and I started kissing back. "We're in my older brother's house." I said unbuttoning his pants. "So?" He said taking off my shirt. "He's probably in the next room doing the same." ;)
Well, at least some of us had a happy Valentines' Day.
I knocked on the house. It was Pony who answered. "Kitty, you came to visit!" He said, disturbingly excited. "Yeah, well, I plan on crashing for a while." His expression changed. And I hoped I wouldn't be right as to what he was about to say. "Sorry Kit," He gave me sad smile. "But Darry said you aren't welcome, at least for now." Hmm. As though my year couldn't get worst. I nodded in understanding. It wasn't his fault, and if I saw Darry, I would give him the silent treatment too. "Sorry." He said again, with an apologetic smile. I nodded. I sighed as he close the door. Someone had to take me in. I walked slowly to the next door. I let myself in. "Hey, anyone home?" I called. Katie came in, holding Skye. She was surprised to see me. "Hey." She said. Assuming Soda was at work, I asked. "Hey, I was wondering, do you mind if I crash for a while?" Katie nodded. "That bad?" "Yeap." "Well, at least you can help me with Skye." She said. "I have to go to work, but see you later?" I nodded as she handed me little Skye. She was beautiful. She had Katie's smile, but Soda's recklessly laughing brown eyes. Cutie.
I spent most of the day feeding, changing, hugging, and playing with Skye. In many ways, I envied her. As she lay asleep in my arms, I guess I would've never have thought I could take care of a creature like that. I stood watching her for hours. Until I placed her in her crib, so she would be more comfortable.
As I walked to the guest room, I noticed Soda and Katie's room was opened. I don't know what I was thinking, but I found myself going through Soda's old stuff. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I knew I hadn't found it yet. I kept searching, until I came across one of his drawers. It was hidden in the deepest part of the drawer, almost invisible. But it caught my eye. I took it out. It was addressed to Soda, from Jelly so I started reading it.
I smiled as I folded it. I had it.
The next day I woke up late, 'cause it was my no doing shit day. I took it to my advantage. I went to the apartment. No one was home, as expected. I walked into Jelly's room. There was some of Dim's stuff laying on the ground. Perfect. I tore the letter in half and threw it in the trashcan, making sure the envelope that said "Soda", was visible. I was surprised at how devilish this whole plan was. It was doom to be what I was looking for. What I was yearning for. The ultimate act of revenge. I wasn't going to forgive her.
I went back to Soda and Katie's to sleep some more. I woke up then to the sound of moving around. I opened my eyes and found Two-Bit setting up a table cloth in the floor at the foot of the bed. "Hey beautiful." He said when he saw me. "Happy Valentine's Day." Oh, shit. That was today? "I got you a gift." He was so excited, I felt terrible for forgetting. He took out a long silver box. "This is also a Happy Two Year Anniversary!" I opened the box and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Black Tulips are my favorites, because they are extremely rare and mysterious. "Oh my, where did you find this?" I asked. He winked. "I have my secrets. Plus, Dimitri helped." I smiled as I walked up to him and hugged him. Never mind the table cloth, we cuddled on the bed. We told jokes and scary stories and talked. But I couldn't shake this feeling of extreme guilt for forgetting.
"Two-Bit, I have a confession." He looked confused. "I forgot it was Valentine's Day, just like I forgot that in two days it's our Two Years Dating Anniversary. I'm so sorry." Sorry for being busy plotting against one of my best friends to remember our special days. Mental bitch slap.
"That's okay," He said softly. He started kissing my stomach. "But I do believe you can make it up to me." He winked and started kissing me and I started kissing back. "We're in my older brother's house." I said unbuttoning his pants. "So?" He said taking off my shirt. "He's probably in the next room doing the same." ;)
Well, at least some of us had a happy Valentines' Day.
Thursday, January 26
Then Tell Me,
Two-Bit's little gift was more than just this lovable fury creature. It was another way to say I love you. Recently, though, I felt like we don't spend enough time together and I really miss him. We don't really do Monthianiversaries like the Ryder's do, and waiting for the 21st again is out of question. So I decided it was time to have a January 27th date!
So we both started working at Dim's restaurant. It's great, but we have such a jackass boss... Just kidding, Dimwit. Or, aren't I? The highlight of my day, though, is having to see Jelly every day. We're not really on speaking terms. Not since things got violent and there was blood. She doesn't understand. No one understands. It's not about insecurities or fucking lack of self-esteem. It goes beyond that. Sure, it's a self-destructive tendency, but that's not why I do it.
I've been such a bitch to her but I really don't want to forgive her. I mean, you can't just come into someone's room and plan this whole charade about how she wants me to get better and give me an ultimatum after I just got another one from Mr. Darrel Curtis and expect everything to be shiny rainbows and ponies. I don't get mad... I get even.
"Hello, darling." I said as I wrapped my arms around Two-Bit's neck. "Guess what day is today?" He kissed me softly. "Uh, Friday?" I chuckled as I kissed him back. "Nope, it's date day! Happy '712th Days Since We've Been Together' Day!" He laughed and picked me up, kissing me. "I love you." He said. "I know, but you'll love me even more after the day I got planned." We walked out of the restaurant, his arm around my shoulders, when I saw Jelly and Dim standing over the door. At first I thought about ignoring her, but then I had a better idea. As we walked by, I leaned closer to her and whispered. "So, how's the wedding." And just to add up to it, as I walked by Dim, I traced my fingers through his chest and gave him that sort of flirty eye wink. Then we headed out.
I drove. Since Two-Bit had no idea where we were going. For the most, we heard all this sort of CDs. That was until we heard a low whimper coming from the back seat. "Oh, look, she's up!" I said. Two-Bit turned around and laying the back seat was the furry puppy. He leaned towards it and picked it up, noticing some bags I had placed there. "I'm guessing this Friday is gonna extend into a weekend?" He said. I smiled. "Oh, by the way, I picked a name for our puppy." I said. "What about Lexi?" "Lexi it is."
After six or seven hours, we got down to a beach in the Golf of Mexico. I had arranged for a cabin, which I payed for with a two weeks salary in advance. :D. We settled. It was already dark outside so we laid on the sand. Lexi was asleep in her bed and we gazed into the stars. There's just something about stars. The way they shine above you like a million little miracles. We could find all sorts of different shapes for them. God, there where so many. We felt asleep. We woke up to the sound of cries and whimpers. I got up to pick up Lexi but didn't find her in her bed. You know that moment when your mom starts to panic because she can't find you and fears the worst? Yep, that's what I felt. "Two-Bit!" I yelled. "Lexi's not here." He walked over to me. "What?" "Lexi. She's not in her bed." Then I looked over and the door had been opened and then there was the ocean and so many places she could've gotten in and hurt herself... I started looking everywhere. I felt like a mom for a moment, which I might add, did not bring any pleasure. Well, given the circumstances. After two hours, and Two-Bit's desperate attempts at trying to calm me, we finally heard soft barks coming form under the bed... Yeah, you can all figure out how the rest went.
For the most part we made out, and did all this sorts of games. We were two lovers with the world at their feet and no worries. For the first time in a while I felt completely free. It was just me and Two-Bit and a whole cabin to ourselves. I missed that. During the day, we would go out and splash water at each other and have this sand ball wars. We even tried to make sand angels and a sandman. We failed miserably at that. But when we really wanted to get intimate. We would cuddle together under the same blanket. Lexi would be on top of me and we would watch a series of our favorite movies. From Holiday to The Fast and The Furious. Then we would dance around, and Two-Bit, who picked up some dancing skills as to not make a fool during our wedding, never ceased to impress me. The weekend was at its end. We were laying on the sand, watching the stars like the first day. I really didn't want this to end. I didn't want to go back to Tulsa. Or better said, I didn't want to go back to all that. To where I felt trapped.
"We should stay here forever." I said laying my head against his stomach. "Let's see, the beach, a cabin, no noisy kids, I could get used to it." I chuckled. "No, I mean it." I turned to look at him. "Just you and me, we don't need to ever go back." I don't know if it was the words or the way I said it, but he suddenly stood up and got all serious. "Oh. Well, Kitty, we need to get back at some point." "Why?" "Because, our whole lives are there. Don't tell me you wouldn't miss your friends, your brothers. C'mon Kit." I sighed. "My point exactly." I whispered but he heard me. He leaned towards me. "What was that about?" I turned towards him. "What?" He frowned for a second. "That thing you did back at the restaurant. I mean, I wasn't going to say anything before, but it's eating at me." I rolled my eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about." He sighed. "Kit, don't play dumb with me. That thing you did where you brushed your fingers through Dim's chest. What was that all about?" I chuckled. I placed my hands at either side of his face and kissed him. "I love you, Two-Bit. You. Not Dimitri." Two-Bit looked at me for a second. "You're doing this to piss of Jelly." He said more to himself than to me. I frowned. "That's not true." But he ignored me. "You know, she was just trying to help you." I scoffed. The words that Jelly had said to me. The words that I had fought so hard to ignored came all rushing back. "How the hell do you think this behavior makes Two-Bit feel? Huh? Here we are, all trying our hardest to do everything we can for you, and he has to watch his wife struggle while she’s pushing away all the people who care for her. Him included. Is nothing ever enough for you?" I took a deep breath as I caressed my neck slowly. "That's what you don't understand. I didn't ask for her to help me, or any of you. I just- I." But I couldn't continue, for fear of what I was about to say.
Two-Bit got closer to me. He held my hand and brushed a strand of hair away from my face. "What are you running from, Kitty? Why are you so afraid?" You know that in all the time that this has been going on, no one's ever asked me that. "You know how when someone leaves you, you feel all empty inside? Like a part of you is missing..." I was trying so hard to breath as he looked at me with those gentle gray eyes. "I miss my mom, Two-Bit. I miss her more than anything. And I can't help but feel like I was her greatest disappointment. And I don't want to be a mom because I don't want to make that same mistake again." Tears were starting to fall down my cheeks but I tried so hard to keep them in. I whipped them off, almost to nonexistence, before standing up and walking away. But Two-Bit held my arm. He pulled me towards him and made me sit. "No Kitty, you need to feel. I know it hurts, so I need you to feel that hurt. Please. Because, that's the only way, you'll heal. That's the only way you'll be able to forgive her and yourself. It's the only way, you'll learn to love again." So he wrapped me in his arms and I cried. "Tell me about it." He whispered.
"I told her I hated her. I said that looking straight into her eyes. I'm the reason they're dead. Because I defied her, because I took all that was important to her. Because I played with her love, with her feelings. And I can never make it right. My brothers, they don't understand. They don't know what it was like to be me. To be the girl, the daughter." I took a deep breath. "And I don't know what to do."
So we both started working at Dim's restaurant. It's great, but we have such a jackass boss... Just kidding, Dimwit. Or, aren't I? The highlight of my day, though, is having to see Jelly every day. We're not really on speaking terms. Not since things got violent and there was blood. She doesn't understand. No one understands. It's not about insecurities or fucking lack of self-esteem. It goes beyond that. Sure, it's a self-destructive tendency, but that's not why I do it.
I've been such a bitch to her but I really don't want to forgive her. I mean, you can't just come into someone's room and plan this whole charade about how she wants me to get better and give me an ultimatum after I just got another one from Mr. Darrel Curtis and expect everything to be shiny rainbows and ponies. I don't get mad... I get even.
"Hello, darling." I said as I wrapped my arms around Two-Bit's neck. "Guess what day is today?" He kissed me softly. "Uh, Friday?" I chuckled as I kissed him back. "Nope, it's date day! Happy '712th Days Since We've Been Together' Day!" He laughed and picked me up, kissing me. "I love you." He said. "I know, but you'll love me even more after the day I got planned." We walked out of the restaurant, his arm around my shoulders, when I saw Jelly and Dim standing over the door. At first I thought about ignoring her, but then I had a better idea. As we walked by, I leaned closer to her and whispered. "So, how's the wedding." And just to add up to it, as I walked by Dim, I traced my fingers through his chest and gave him that sort of flirty eye wink. Then we headed out.
I drove. Since Two-Bit had no idea where we were going. For the most, we heard all this sort of CDs. That was until we heard a low whimper coming from the back seat. "Oh, look, she's up!" I said. Two-Bit turned around and laying the back seat was the furry puppy. He leaned towards it and picked it up, noticing some bags I had placed there. "I'm guessing this Friday is gonna extend into a weekend?" He said. I smiled. "Oh, by the way, I picked a name for our puppy." I said. "What about Lexi?" "Lexi it is."
After six or seven hours, we got down to a beach in the Golf of Mexico. I had arranged for a cabin, which I payed for with a two weeks salary in advance. :D. We settled. It was already dark outside so we laid on the sand. Lexi was asleep in her bed and we gazed into the stars. There's just something about stars. The way they shine above you like a million little miracles. We could find all sorts of different shapes for them. God, there where so many. We felt asleep. We woke up to the sound of cries and whimpers. I got up to pick up Lexi but didn't find her in her bed. You know that moment when your mom starts to panic because she can't find you and fears the worst? Yep, that's what I felt. "Two-Bit!" I yelled. "Lexi's not here." He walked over to me. "What?" "Lexi. She's not in her bed." Then I looked over and the door had been opened and then there was the ocean and so many places she could've gotten in and hurt herself... I started looking everywhere. I felt like a mom for a moment, which I might add, did not bring any pleasure. Well, given the circumstances. After two hours, and Two-Bit's desperate attempts at trying to calm me, we finally heard soft barks coming form under the bed... Yeah, you can all figure out how the rest went.
For the most part we made out, and did all this sorts of games. We were two lovers with the world at their feet and no worries. For the first time in a while I felt completely free. It was just me and Two-Bit and a whole cabin to ourselves. I missed that. During the day, we would go out and splash water at each other and have this sand ball wars. We even tried to make sand angels and a sandman. We failed miserably at that. But when we really wanted to get intimate. We would cuddle together under the same blanket. Lexi would be on top of me and we would watch a series of our favorite movies. From Holiday to The Fast and The Furious. Then we would dance around, and Two-Bit, who picked up some dancing skills as to not make a fool during our wedding, never ceased to impress me. The weekend was at its end. We were laying on the sand, watching the stars like the first day. I really didn't want this to end. I didn't want to go back to Tulsa. Or better said, I didn't want to go back to all that. To where I felt trapped.
"We should stay here forever." I said laying my head against his stomach. "Let's see, the beach, a cabin, no noisy kids, I could get used to it." I chuckled. "No, I mean it." I turned to look at him. "Just you and me, we don't need to ever go back." I don't know if it was the words or the way I said it, but he suddenly stood up and got all serious. "Oh. Well, Kitty, we need to get back at some point." "Why?" "Because, our whole lives are there. Don't tell me you wouldn't miss your friends, your brothers. C'mon Kit." I sighed. "My point exactly." I whispered but he heard me. He leaned towards me. "What was that about?" I turned towards him. "What?" He frowned for a second. "That thing you did back at the restaurant. I mean, I wasn't going to say anything before, but it's eating at me." I rolled my eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about." He sighed. "Kit, don't play dumb with me. That thing you did where you brushed your fingers through Dim's chest. What was that all about?" I chuckled. I placed my hands at either side of his face and kissed him. "I love you, Two-Bit. You. Not Dimitri." Two-Bit looked at me for a second. "You're doing this to piss of Jelly." He said more to himself than to me. I frowned. "That's not true." But he ignored me. "You know, she was just trying to help you." I scoffed. The words that Jelly had said to me. The words that I had fought so hard to ignored came all rushing back. "How the hell do you think this behavior makes Two-Bit feel? Huh? Here we are, all trying our hardest to do everything we can for you, and he has to watch his wife struggle while she’s pushing away all the people who care for her. Him included. Is nothing ever enough for you?" I took a deep breath as I caressed my neck slowly. "That's what you don't understand. I didn't ask for her to help me, or any of you. I just- I." But I couldn't continue, for fear of what I was about to say.
Two-Bit got closer to me. He held my hand and brushed a strand of hair away from my face. "What are you running from, Kitty? Why are you so afraid?" You know that in all the time that this has been going on, no one's ever asked me that. "You know how when someone leaves you, you feel all empty inside? Like a part of you is missing..." I was trying so hard to breath as he looked at me with those gentle gray eyes. "I miss my mom, Two-Bit. I miss her more than anything. And I can't help but feel like I was her greatest disappointment. And I don't want to be a mom because I don't want to make that same mistake again." Tears were starting to fall down my cheeks but I tried so hard to keep them in. I whipped them off, almost to nonexistence, before standing up and walking away. But Two-Bit held my arm. He pulled me towards him and made me sit. "No Kitty, you need to feel. I know it hurts, so I need you to feel that hurt. Please. Because, that's the only way, you'll heal. That's the only way you'll be able to forgive her and yourself. It's the only way, you'll learn to love again." So he wrapped me in his arms and I cried. "Tell me about it." He whispered.
"I told her I hated her. I said that looking straight into her eyes. I'm the reason they're dead. Because I defied her, because I took all that was important to her. Because I played with her love, with her feelings. And I can never make it right. My brothers, they don't understand. They don't know what it was like to be me. To be the girl, the daughter." I took a deep breath. "And I don't know what to do."
Friday, December 16
Laughin' Like It Works. Bleeding Like It Don't Hurt.
"I have to go now. Two-Bit's waiting for me and I don't like to be late." I said, turning towards the door. "Kitty." Sandy whipered patiently. "I'm sorry, but I really have to go. Jelly's out, Two-Bit needs to eat and I-" Suddenly, I was pulled back. Sandy was grabbing my wrist firmly, almost too tight. She stared at me intently. "Two-Bit can wait. This is more important." I sighed. I grabbed my jacket and put it on, caressing my arms in search for warmth. It wasn't even that cold, but I was freezing. "C'mon Kitty, talk to me. I don't judge." Sandy said but I wasn't listening. I paced around the room, towards the window. It was raining outide. Countless drops of water outside the crystal frame. You could almost gaze at your own reflection. "What good does talking do?" I said softly. "Lies, lies, lies. Tell me one thing and I'll twist it into a bitter lie." I sighed and slowly turned around. Leaving handprint on the window. "You really want me to tell you? I have no idea what the fuck am I doing. I really thought I had it under control. There are days when it's all fireworks and rockets around glitter. Everything's just perfect. I'm happy. But there are days when I'm not okay. When it hurts too much and there's no fucking off-botton." I took a deep breath. "It's gotten worst. I'm cold all the fucking time. I'm depressed. I'm sad. I can't sleep at night and there is always something that haunts me." I sniffed. "I can't hide it as well as I used to. Two-Bit sees right through me. He knows I'm not okay, but he doesn't want to talk about it. You know, I never truly understood the power of words till I looked him straight in the eye and lied." I sat down next to Sandy. "It's been the cause of several nasty fights between my brothers. Soda says that the only way I'll recover is by actually wanting to. But Darry is done putting up with it. He gave me an ultimatum. Either go to a treatment center or uh, stop hanging out with the rest of the gang." Sandy frowned for a moment. "Is he really gonna do that?" I shrugged. "I don't know. He was pretty serious about it." We stood there silent for long minutes. I was battling different thoughts in my head. A never-ending parade of 'is it worth it?'. Masochism on full speed. And a tough balance between either choice. "You know, maybe I'll just check in at a treatment center, get everyone off my back." Sandy looked at me uneasily. "I'm not telling you any more. I've done said enough." I said.
The next day I honked and waited for Sandy to come out. "What the fuck, Kitty?" She said. "If I'm doing this then you are too." And it took a dead glare from Mrs. Kitty Curtis-Mathews for Sandy to gulp and get in the passenger's seat. We mostly drove in silence. I wasn't in the mood for any talking and Sandy didn't seem up to breaking it either. Ten blocks down and she finally spoke. "Are you really sure about this?" I just gave her a look. "Okay..." Two more blocks of silence and I answered her question. "It's not a permanent thing. My plan is just to get this over with so Darry calms down and then you know-" I wasn't up to finishing that sentence. When we finally got there, Sandy followed me as I made my way to the front desk. After two hours of waiting, which is the worst thing they can do, we both got called up. I wasn't in the mood for any drama, so I just got in to do whatever it is that they wanted me to do. Another hour went by when I met Sandy outside. "So?" She asked. I shrugged. "Same old, same old." I was about to head back to the car when Sandy stepped in front of me. I looked down at her, towering her again, which I only do when I'm really pissed off. "What? That at eighteen, being 5'10 and weighting 88 pounds is the right path down to hell?" Sandy stared at me for a moment and I brushed it off. "Whatever." And I headed toward the car, brochures and a program in hand.
The next day I honked and waited for Sandy to come out. "What the fuck, Kitty?" She said. "If I'm doing this then you are too." And it took a dead glare from Mrs. Kitty Curtis-Mathews for Sandy to gulp and get in the passenger's seat. We mostly drove in silence. I wasn't in the mood for any talking and Sandy didn't seem up to breaking it either. Ten blocks down and she finally spoke. "Are you really sure about this?" I just gave her a look. "Okay..." Two more blocks of silence and I answered her question. "It's not a permanent thing. My plan is just to get this over with so Darry calms down and then you know-" I wasn't up to finishing that sentence. When we finally got there, Sandy followed me as I made my way to the front desk. After two hours of waiting, which is the worst thing they can do, we both got called up. I wasn't in the mood for any drama, so I just got in to do whatever it is that they wanted me to do. Another hour went by when I met Sandy outside. "So?" She asked. I shrugged. "Same old, same old." I was about to head back to the car when Sandy stepped in front of me. I looked down at her, towering her again, which I only do when I'm really pissed off. "What? That at eighteen, being 5'10 and weighting 88 pounds is the right path down to hell?" Sandy stared at me for a moment and I brushed it off. "Whatever." And I headed toward the car, brochures and a program in hand.
Sunday, November 13
The Truth About A Fetus
"I think it's time to tell them the truth." Two-Bit said as we were cuddling together. "Why? It doesn't get old." I said. "Kit, it's been four months, I think they are starting to notice." "Don't be silly, they're not that bright." But Tibbs was nervous. He kept nagging me about it. "Tell them. Tell them. Tell them." He would go on and on. A week ago we were at the Curtis place. Darry had invited us for dinner, which is weird since he never invites us for anything. He doesn't love us anymore. :'( Anyway, after we ate he sat us on the couch and told us he wanted to show us something. He pulled out a tape (yes, a tape) and if you know my family, then you know that a tape never brings out good things. We sat there wondering what the fuck this was all about and in a moment, BANG a woman giving birth appears on the screen. To make matters worst it was my MOM giving birth to ME! That's wrong on so many levels. Then he rewind it a couple of times. When it was FINALLY over, we where too shocked or too sick to do anything other than just sit there and stare with our mouths hanging open. "Good luck." Darry said leaving us alone.
You would think that it would be me the one to be freaked out about it. At some point I was but then I just stopped thinking about it. There was something more important. When Two-Bit finally convinced me we gathered everyone for the news. "Hey guys, thanks for coming." I said. "We have a confession to make." Add words like confession and make and you got yourselves all eyes on you. "You won't be uncles or aunts or godparents. At least not for now." And then the tackling of questions like 'why?', 'how?', 'what?' and my personal favorite 'yay!' from Bre. "Ok so here's the truth, when we were on our honeymoon, Two-Bit and I thought it would be hilarious to prank y'all so we decided to convinced you I was pregnant. It was hilarious at first, because we got to see all your 'WTF' faces and all. It kept being funny up until it became real. I mean, the way you girls were all like 'oh! have you picked out names?' or 'yay Shiloh will have a cousin', well, it all felt nice. So we actually tried to do it. And when we couldn't we went to a doctor, who told us we can't have any kids. Well, I can't have any kids." The room went silent, which wasn't the reaction I had hoped. "Okay, I thought you were all gonna be happy. No teenage pregnancy." We waited patiently for everyone to take it all in, until Jelly asked the question I really hoped no one had the guts to ask.
"Why?" Why? Because that's the way I am. Because I've dragged this on myself. Because the slight chance I had was washed down the toilet, literally. "Just the way things are." So no freaky giving birth video. When no one said anything, Two-Bit and I just snuck away into our bedroom and locked the door. We had to have a good night sleep for our big trip to Europe ;).
You would think that it would be me the one to be freaked out about it. At some point I was but then I just stopped thinking about it. There was something more important. When Two-Bit finally convinced me we gathered everyone for the news. "Hey guys, thanks for coming." I said. "We have a confession to make." Add words like confession and make and you got yourselves all eyes on you. "You won't be uncles or aunts or godparents. At least not for now." And then the tackling of questions like 'why?', 'how?', 'what?' and my personal favorite 'yay!' from Bre. "Ok so here's the truth, when we were on our honeymoon, Two-Bit and I thought it would be hilarious to prank y'all so we decided to convinced you I was pregnant. It was hilarious at first, because we got to see all your 'WTF' faces and all. It kept being funny up until it became real. I mean, the way you girls were all like 'oh! have you picked out names?' or 'yay Shiloh will have a cousin', well, it all felt nice. So we actually tried to do it. And when we couldn't we went to a doctor, who told us we can't have any kids. Well, I can't have any kids." The room went silent, which wasn't the reaction I had hoped. "Okay, I thought you were all gonna be happy. No teenage pregnancy." We waited patiently for everyone to take it all in, until Jelly asked the question I really hoped no one had the guts to ask.
"Why?" Why? Because that's the way I am. Because I've dragged this on myself. Because the slight chance I had was washed down the toilet, literally. "Just the way things are." So no freaky giving birth video. When no one said anything, Two-Bit and I just snuck away into our bedroom and locked the door. We had to have a good night sleep for our big trip to Europe ;).
Thursday, September 8
In The Realm Of The Curtises
The moment the words came out of my mouth I was literally being tackled with questions. How long have you known? Did you plan it? When is it due? Is it a boy or girl? Have you thought names? Who will be the godparents? Are you gonna move out? Woah! Slow down, people. One at a time. Darry walked over to me and leaned over to whisper in my ear. "Yeah, family meeting." He said grabbing my wrist leading me towards his room and instructing Soda and Pony to follow him. I closed the door silently behind me. Darry paced around the room for a second before turning to look at me. You're pregnant?" He said in utter shock. "How did it happen?" I sighed. "Well, when a boy loves a girl very much, he gives her his flower for her to keep and-" "I know how it was done. What I mean is, I just- I need to sit down." There went Darry's whole manliness out the door. "I think what Darry's trying to say, Kitty, is that we still see you as our little sister. And well, the fact that there's new life growing inside of you is just-" "So weird!" Pony interrumpted. "I was going to go for- Nope, he's right, weird is pretty much it." Soda said sitting down next to Darry. "Oh good God, what is up with you guys? It's just a baby. I have nine months to figure it all out. I mean, it can't be that hard. Blair does it." No offense B. :)
"Have you actually talked, like really talked, to Blair about it. 'Cause we know Dally sure as hell has a hard time. And, well, you're not exactly the most responsible person in the world." Pony said. I shot the sixteen year-old a glare and he shut up. I refused to believe anything of what he was saying could be slighlty true. "You don't think I can do it, do you?" "Yeah, pretty much." They said in unision. "Fine, I'll prove to you I can." I said stepping out of the room. I wasn't really that pissed up, but they had just fiven me a challenge. A dare. I walked into a room fulled of curious faces. I kissed Two-Bit passionetly and he lifted me up bridal style. "Dim, Jelly, need a ride home?" I asked. "Uh, no thanks Kit. We don't want to witness you getting it on." Dim said probably thinking about that time with the cop and the awkwardness of it all. I know I was. "We don't get it on in the car, Dimwit." I said.
"So, that went well." Two-Bit said. I chuckled. "Yeah, imagine what it would have been like had my parents been alive? Mom would've probably shoot you." He laughed. "Before or after she killed you first?" "Probably after." We started kissing, leaving our clothes splashed through the entire apartment. And you know what happens next. We laid down on our bed cuddling. This is probably my best part. He was caressing my hand and I could hear the soft beating of his heart. "Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked. "Well, we just sort of made it official." "Yeah, I know, but we don't have to do it, if you don't want to." I smiled, he pulled me closer. "I know." He began kissing my arm softly. "You do realize that now that Jelly knows she's probably going to tell her dad. And that he'll probably want to check you out?" I nodded. "And how we're going to you know what?" "I don't know, but I'll think about something." I said looking up to kiss him. "Je t'aime mon petit amie." "I love you too, Kitty."
"Have you actually talked, like really talked, to Blair about it. 'Cause we know Dally sure as hell has a hard time. And, well, you're not exactly the most responsible person in the world." Pony said. I shot the sixteen year-old a glare and he shut up. I refused to believe anything of what he was saying could be slighlty true. "You don't think I can do it, do you?" "Yeah, pretty much." They said in unision. "Fine, I'll prove to you I can." I said stepping out of the room. I wasn't really that pissed up, but they had just fiven me a challenge. A dare. I walked into a room fulled of curious faces. I kissed Two-Bit passionetly and he lifted me up bridal style. "Dim, Jelly, need a ride home?" I asked. "Uh, no thanks Kit. We don't want to witness you getting it on." Dim said probably thinking about that time with the cop and the awkwardness of it all. I know I was. "We don't get it on in the car, Dimwit." I said.
"So, that went well." Two-Bit said. I chuckled. "Yeah, imagine what it would have been like had my parents been alive? Mom would've probably shoot you." He laughed. "Before or after she killed you first?" "Probably after." We started kissing, leaving our clothes splashed through the entire apartment. And you know what happens next. We laid down on our bed cuddling. This is probably my best part. He was caressing my hand and I could hear the soft beating of his heart. "Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked. "Well, we just sort of made it official." "Yeah, I know, but we don't have to do it, if you don't want to." I smiled, he pulled me closer. "I know." He began kissing my arm softly. "You do realize that now that Jelly knows she's probably going to tell her dad. And that he'll probably want to check you out?" I nodded. "And how we're going to you know what?" "I don't know, but I'll think about something." I said looking up to kiss him. "Je t'aime mon petit amie." "I love you too, Kitty."
Thursday, August 4
Good To You
"You know, this would all be more romantic if you hadn't dragged me all the way from my bed, make me ride shotgun and kidnap me against my will." I said as Two-Bit started the engine. "Where are we going, anyway?" "The airport." He said simply. A smile plastered across his face, of immense pride and no good. "The airport?" First thought: He's kidding. Second thought: No, he's not. Third thought: Damn. When we pulled towards airport, Soda was waiting for us. The smile on Two-Bit's face didn't dissapear. And it was starting to freak me out. He took out our bags, and I stared at them in disbelief. "Two-Bit-" But he cut me off, 'cause he knew what I was about to ask. He's been reading my mind like that for a while now. "Don't worry, it was Jelly who did it." He checked in our bags, as I waited with Soda. He was chuckling insanely and I was starting to get pissed off. Why couldn't they just tell me? "Okay, everything's ready." Two-Bit said holding our passports and tickets in his hand. "Soda." He said tossing my brother my car keys. I was about to protest when he kissed me on the cheek and we said our goodbyes. Two-Bit didn't let me see where we were going. He literally had me blindfolded after we got through security. "So, my little Kitty." He said once we were in our seats. "How does it feel to not be in control?" I punched him lightly on the ribs but smiled. I had to admit the whole plane-kidnap was kind of romantic.
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cancun." The flight attendance said once we landed. I turned to look at Two-Bit. "Cancun, really?!" He smiled proudly. "Happy honeymoon, sweetie." He said kissing me. Out of all the places in the world, the beach is my second favorite. The first is his arms. We checked in at the Mayan Palace, put on our swimsuits (thank you Jelly, for not letting Two-Bit pack my things) and hit the beach. For the next few weeks, our days consited on waking up late, breakfast in bed (courtesy of the friends we made the last time we were here), hanging out in the beach, dress up, go around town and them hit any party going on at the local bars until the sun came up (literally).
We where laying down on the beach, Two-Bit was asleep. He had a little to many Pi;a Coladas. So, I being the nice wife that I am, buried him in the sand. Thank god he's not a light sleeper. It took me an hour, plus the help of a little girl, to shape the sand around him like a six-pack, with muscles filled with manhood. I told you I wanted that six-pack. Finally, when we finished, I took the little girl for a well-deserved ice-cream, and left Two-Bit all alone! Anyway, the little girl had friends and a hot brother ;) So they invited me on this thing called a Banana. It's an inflatable sort of boat, but shaped as a banana! You sit on it and a boat drags you around the sea. Pretty funny. After a couple of hours, I realized, I may have forgotten about something. Two-Bit was still buried in the sand battling to get free. Funniest thing I've ever seen! He asked me to help him. I refused by signing up for surf lessons. Epic stuff. You should all try it sometime. After getting hit by an unhealthy amount of waves, not fun, I decided it was time to help poor Two-Bit. Turns out, he managed to get out all by himself. I'm proud. That's when the epic battle between good and awesome broke!
He signed up for surf lessons with me, we were fooling around when he snuck behind me and untied my swimsuit. -.- Bad move. Guys, piece of advice. NEVER untie a girl's swimsuit, blouse, or bra unless she asks you too. It's not cool. I sank into the water as I tried to tie it again. I didn't get angry. It was a well-deserved payback. But it cost dear Mr. Keith a week-worth of no sexual activity. Anyway, the next few days we traveled around the town buying all sorts of gifts for us. Sorry guys, it was either you or us, and well let's face it, us is better. But we did send postcards! One day we went to the tip of the Mexican penninsula. The prettiest place I've ever seen. We were laying on the beach, holding hands. I could stay like that forever. "I don't want to go, but we have to." I said. "No, we don't." Two-Bit said. I turned to look at him. "What do you mean, we don't?" I asked. "Well, I wasn't sure how long you wanted this to last, so I bought no return ticket." He said. My face lit up in joy. "You mean we never have to come back?!" I asked. "Not if you don't want to." And I didn't. We went MIA all July, until finally, Darry got a hold of us. -.- He figured we weren't coming back if it was up to us so he bought us a return ticket. -.- Oh well, it was too good to be true.
When we got back, Darry and Soda were waiting for us, along with every one of you people. "Don't worry, it's not like we where going to live without you." I lied but oh well. Sometimes I feel like I'm married to you guys instead of just Two-Bit. But I get it, you can't live without me and as flattered as I am, it pisses me off. But that month was the best vacation I've ever had. Thank you, Tibbs for a great honeymoon. Oh and maybe, we can tell the gang our little secret. ;)
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cancun." The flight attendance said once we landed. I turned to look at Two-Bit. "Cancun, really?!" He smiled proudly. "Happy honeymoon, sweetie." He said kissing me. Out of all the places in the world, the beach is my second favorite. The first is his arms. We checked in at the Mayan Palace, put on our swimsuits (thank you Jelly, for not letting Two-Bit pack my things) and hit the beach. For the next few weeks, our days consited on waking up late, breakfast in bed (courtesy of the friends we made the last time we were here), hanging out in the beach, dress up, go around town and them hit any party going on at the local bars until the sun came up (literally).
We where laying down on the beach, Two-Bit was asleep. He had a little to many Pi;a Coladas. So, I being the nice wife that I am, buried him in the sand. Thank god he's not a light sleeper. It took me an hour, plus the help of a little girl, to shape the sand around him like a six-pack, with muscles filled with manhood. I told you I wanted that six-pack. Finally, when we finished, I took the little girl for a well-deserved ice-cream, and left Two-Bit all alone! Anyway, the little girl had friends and a hot brother ;) So they invited me on this thing called a Banana. It's an inflatable sort of boat, but shaped as a banana! You sit on it and a boat drags you around the sea. Pretty funny. After a couple of hours, I realized, I may have forgotten about something. Two-Bit was still buried in the sand battling to get free. Funniest thing I've ever seen! He asked me to help him. I refused by signing up for surf lessons. Epic stuff. You should all try it sometime. After getting hit by an unhealthy amount of waves, not fun, I decided it was time to help poor Two-Bit. Turns out, he managed to get out all by himself. I'm proud. That's when the epic battle between good and awesome broke!
He signed up for surf lessons with me, we were fooling around when he snuck behind me and untied my swimsuit. -.- Bad move. Guys, piece of advice. NEVER untie a girl's swimsuit, blouse, or bra unless she asks you too. It's not cool. I sank into the water as I tried to tie it again. I didn't get angry. It was a well-deserved payback. But it cost dear Mr. Keith a week-worth of no sexual activity. Anyway, the next few days we traveled around the town buying all sorts of gifts for us. Sorry guys, it was either you or us, and well let's face it, us is better. But we did send postcards! One day we went to the tip of the Mexican penninsula. The prettiest place I've ever seen. We were laying on the beach, holding hands. I could stay like that forever. "I don't want to go, but we have to." I said. "No, we don't." Two-Bit said. I turned to look at him. "What do you mean, we don't?" I asked. "Well, I wasn't sure how long you wanted this to last, so I bought no return ticket." He said. My face lit up in joy. "You mean we never have to come back?!" I asked. "Not if you don't want to." And I didn't. We went MIA all July, until finally, Darry got a hold of us. -.- He figured we weren't coming back if it was up to us so he bought us a return ticket. -.- Oh well, it was too good to be true.
When we got back, Darry and Soda were waiting for us, along with every one of you people. "Don't worry, it's not like we where going to live without you." I lied but oh well. Sometimes I feel like I'm married to you guys instead of just Two-Bit. But I get it, you can't live without me and as flattered as I am, it pisses me off. But that month was the best vacation I've ever had. Thank you, Tibbs for a great honeymoon. Oh and maybe, we can tell the gang our little secret. ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)